As you might have heard or read about I have met this women after finishing the Inner Throne training last year. Like in the last scene In the Lord Of The Rings the crowning of Aragon I had reclaimed my Inner Throne and finally my queen showed up.
I have been single for about 13 years and this has been a tremendous heart opening experience to me.
I have felt lost and lonely for so many years, not only in my single life. I have as long as I can remember, had a deep feeling of loneliness and I have feared this feeling.
Like I was disconnected to myself and other people.
The crash of the romantic weekend.
Last week we was planning to spend this weekend together in a small romantic cabin on the east coast of Denmark.
She called me the day before we would meet and she told me that she could not feel my present and that made her mad and she felt like I was riding “my own horse” just thinking about me and my myself.
She felt ignored and left out of our relationship. This triggered a lot of feelings and memories in me. I lost control and I got scared and shameful and angry.
All kind of self doubt, resentment and old traumatic fears of abandonment filled my whole universe. These thoughts and feelings churned around in my head and my body like a demon chasing for my power. On top of this I got paralyzed I felt useless lost and stupid.
I got some serious doubt about how to handle myself and what to do. One part of me wanted to call off the whole weekend and I knew that would kill her ( and the relationship).The other part of me wanted to enjoy sex and fun and spending time together.
I woke up in the middle of the night and I had a panic attack. I was lost and torn between “my truth” and what to make of it. I was I deep shit and I felt paralyzed.
My old trauma about fear of abandonment was activated. My inner Gollum raged whined and spat.
I meditated and read the archetypal invocation from the Inner Throne work last year and realized I had to let go of the old paradigm of my conditioning and recap into my belief about my newborn sovereignty. I found some good advices in the magician invocation about being able to navigate advanced maps of reality and being able to transform my pain into gifts.
I reclaimed my true control by activating and accessing the archetypal energies and I restored my sanity.
The illusion of control
I realized that my anger and resentment worked as a protection from getting closer to her.
Because intimacy has always activated my fear of rejection and abandonment.
I got this conditioning from my mother. When I came close to her, she would blame me for being a “whiner” and I learned to repress almost all of my feelings and buried the deep down inside and forgot them. The most important thing for her was her feelings and her emotions.
Feeling these dreadful feelings became the same as activating my fear of abandonment.
And I was stuck in this pattern.
I raged at my woman (but only in my mind) and I blamed her for blaming me of being self-centered. In this way I could reject her, so she wouldn’t reject me. But then I realized that the only one I was rejecting was myself.
I had used my power to stay in control and to hold on to my facade about myself. I had to be the strong and witty guy and I had manipulated people to like me and women to adore me for my wisdom and my helpfulness.
I lost my illusion of control and it scared me even more.
Who am I?
I had to reawake my sovereignty and take a stand. Did I want to change and evolve or keep on celebrating my fear and my flight from intimacy?
This was a good chance to take a serious step forward and don’t back down as I used to do.
Deep down in my heart I knew my love for her was true and all this thinking was just a convulsion from my past. I realized It was the mechanic of my mind that was disturbed, not me. And this situation gave me the possibility to take this challenge head on and so I did.
In this way I could transform this inner poison to a powerful heart medicine.
I challenge the burning Balrog head on
I challenged the Balrog who was the keeper of my control issue. He controlled my behavior so I could keep my mask on and he protected me from feelings of abandonment.
When we arrived and settled in the cabin I took the chance and I told her my story and my thoughts and my feelings about what happend on the phone and my reactions to it. And I told her my experience from the night before about my insights into my emotional turmoil’s of anger shame and fear.
She embraced me with kisses and strokes as my voice trembled and tears flow from my eyes. She was deeply touched by my sincerity and honesty and she melted in my arms. (and I melted in hers)
I felt blessed by this woman and It felt like the innocent divine child was met and seen, maybe for the first time. I had reclaimed my wholeness by allowing and letting myself be seen and heard even as I was about to shit my pants.
She told me that my honesty was a sign of love and respect for our relationship and she felt honored as a woman to witness this. It became the most healing weekend I ever experienced.
My authentic power
Later I understood this story on a deeper level. I had revealed my true power and stood by myself in my deepest vulnerability and surrendered to it with trust. She understood this, as maybe only a queen would do.
She released me from my fear of abandonment and the shame of feeling lonely. She held this space for me and I am now humbled to be more real and authentic as the man I am. To me this is real authentic hu-man heart power. And I realized that I can never be abandoned by other than myself.
She totally felt my new presence and she loved it and we had the most amazing weekend we could ever dream about.
I can see how my fear and my attachment to control held me back from loving myself and kept me safe and far away from my fear of being rejected by women.
I used my magician to explore my psyche and my emotional intelligence and I used my warrior to act upon my insights with fierce determination and it opened my lover and united the inner realms of my kingdom.
I felt connected, not only to myself and this woman but to my life and the world in a refreshing new way. I transformed many of my shadow aspects into masculine maturity.
Now I am letting go and I surrender into my trust In my sovereignty. It is heartfelt, true and strong and it make my life so much more whole.